I keep coming back to the hope that I am doing this because I hope that I can somehow catch a break and I’ll be able to allow my family to be financially secure, allow my husband to quit his job, be location independent, and model success for my kids.
As I deconstruct my beliefs further, I realize that a lot of my motivation stems from a lifetime of internalizing the mobility myth as I watched my dad jump from MLM to MLM all my life hoping for his big break, while exerting minimal effort in his day job, and having zero intention toward cultivating mastering in his little side hustles. This pervasive narrative was perpetuated in my adulthood as I listened to guru after guru peddle their lies about having the answer to make a million dollars and finally get free of the rat race. Their narrow definition of success was reinforced by telling the stories of the one or two people who actually (maybe) benefited from their offer.
Yet, because I was gullible and desperate, I listened. They reinforced the narrative I’d heard all my life that with enough effort anyone could succeed, no matter their background. I wanted to believe this desperately because so far, the rat race wasn’t doing much for me financially.
I’ve had to learn to broaden my definition of success, let go of my perfectionism, and learn to embrace the ups and downs of failure. I persist in the hope that I will be able to overcome my insecurities and learn the art of mastery of a skill, of a knowledge that I can deeply and truly share that will benefit myself and others.
My true ‘why’ is really that I have to see this thing through. I’ve come so far, and I need to know how my story ends. It can’t end here. I’m not finished figuring out what success looks like for me or for my family. I still want to figure out how to raise healthy, successful kids. I have learned to reexamine what that success looks like, and my hope is that I can simply begin to unravel the possibility that success is in the means, not the ends.